I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
