i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize