I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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