I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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