I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
