How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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