sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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