I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
