Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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