Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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