True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
pop tarts are not kleenex
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
