When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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