I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
