I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Houston, we have a squirter
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
