tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
