Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
