Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
