the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
