Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
