Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
