I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
