I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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