I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
