remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
is wine microwaveable?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize