im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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