I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he was CRYING into my vagina
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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