I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
