I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
