When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize