Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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