In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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