look no pants
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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