Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
