I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
