Is it because I queefed?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i think i just lost a toe
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
