These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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