How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
