i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
