Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
