i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize