why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
