I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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