now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
