my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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