Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
pop tarts are not kleenex
a search helicopter?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
