I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
