Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize