I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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