He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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