She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
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