We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
