I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I will be naked everywhere
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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