I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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