it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
