she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
