even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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