good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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