wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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