I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
