omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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