I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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